My World.

April 24, 2012

“None of this is worth it.”- Coach Jeff Cole

Thank you for saying this. I needed it.

April 22, 2012

One of the senior boys at my school committed suicide this day. I grew up with him. Heartbreak doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. Its so hard getting through this. Everyone is torn up about this… I know why he did it.

People are calling him selfish. People are blaming other people. Why? Seriously, stop. Everyone is already going through enough.

I have to go to his funeral tomorrow. I’m not ready for that. I can’t handle it. What am I going to do?

I know what he was going through. The depression… I’ve been through it. I’ve thought about suicide. I’ve felt the loneliness. I’ve felt the desperation…

Seeing all the hurt has made me realize that suicide isn’t the answer. Speak up. Someone, somewhere cares. Someone loves you.

So sick and tired of this.

No one cares. I can’t do anything right. No one has noticed that I’m slowly breaking down. I’m afraid that soon, I won’t be able to control myself. I can’t take it anymore.

I’m never good enough. I’m not perfect enough. Nothing I do is ever enough.

I’m so pissed. I’m pissed at myself. I hate myself more than half of the time. I look into the mirror and hate what I see. I hate what I’ve become. I’m not myself anymore. I don’t let anyone in. I don’t trust anyone because it ends in heartbreak.

Was I not good enough for you? Why did you cheat on me? Did you not like me? Why?

My birthday, no one cared. I tell people happy birthday at midnight on their birthdays and on my birthday, people forget. My best friends forgot my birthday. My brother forgot. I cried on my birthday. I turned sixteen and I got nothing. No party, nothing.

Why are you such a jerk now? I thought you were my best friend. Why are you letting them take over your life and control you? Are you happy with who you’ve become? Do you enjoy hurting me? It seems like you do.

I have no friends. I hate it.

You tell me to go out more. I ask to go somewhere and you get pissed at me. But if my brother wants to go somewhere, you say yes? Why? Why can’t I do anything? Sorry that I’m not like him.

I got tapped into the Honor Society today. I barely got acknowledged. I got a few congratulations. I work so hard and feel so under-appreciated. This day seems to be about everyone else but me. Would you notice me if I started making bad grades? Would you finally see my cry for help?

What do I have to do? I’m breaking. I can’t control this anymore. I’m going to lose control and you’re not going to like it.

What did I do wrong? Why do you want me to be so perfect? Why are you trying to control me?

I want to cry myself to sleep every night but I don’t. I don’t do it because I would feel weak; instead, I put on a fake smile and act like everything is okay. Guess what? It’s not. Nothing is okay.

When is someone, ANYONE, going to realize that? When am I going to be able to talk to someone about everything without being judged? When am I going to get a chance to be happy?